In my day..
In the good old days, life was better. Men worked and women stayed home, kept the house, looked after the kids and wore frilly aprons over pretty dresses.
Everyone knew their place and life was simple and modern issues of career vs career and whose turn it is to race from work early to pick the kids up from day care were non-existent. Something like that anyway.
Oh no! Here comes feminism!
Along came feminism and we fought to get away from the sink and into the classroom and boardroom. We did such an awesome job at proving women can and should do anything (more like everything) you could say the choice has almost disappeared in the opposite direction.
If we accept the reality that for many modern relationships, two incomes are required and desired, life becomes a bit tricky. Particularly when you consider there is often little or no functional difference between partners in income and the level of commitment to career (and education).
- So who picks up the kids from day-care when you're both slaving in the office at 7pm in the pursuit for a corner office with a view?
- Who takes the bin out before going to the gym before work?
- Who washes the floor while muttering into a dictaphone on a Sunday afternoon?
The division of labour is all messed up - and with that comes serious risk of conflict of a relationship-killing kind.
People have been harping on about equality for quite a while now. If large corporates and the government can't get it right in the boardroom, what chance have we got in the home, where relationships are under even more pressure?
The Seesaw theory
Now this may well be unpopular, but my view of equality in the home does not involve an equal division of labour.
You can waste a lot of time thinking (often out loud, usually brought up at a completely unrelated moment) that cooking dinner is harder than putting the dishes away. It doesn't matter. It may well be. Arguing about equality achieves absolutely stuff all.
The reality is that in a successful partnership, sometimes one partner will do more. Sometimes the other partner does more. It balances out.
photo credit: bug138
Think of it like a seesaw, if you each push up and down, you're both on the seesaw and sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down. It takes a damn lot of effort to hold the seesaw at even height without one or both falling off.
Could it work?
The way it works in my relationship, and, I suggest might work in yours. Start by working out expectations:
- What does clean mean to each of you?
- What constitutes a weeknight dinner?
Sort out a friendly middle ground. Then each do what you're good at/don't hate too much and outsource whatever is left over.
If you approach it with an open mind it is not that hard to manage. I promise. Be flexible and pick up the slack when the other person has a crazy deadline or is sick or is just sick of it.
If you've got a good partner they'll do the same for you and keep you both on the seesaw.
For more tips for a great relationship, take a look at The Secret Ingredient for a Better Marriage at Zen Habits. It is written by Corey Allen of Simple Marriage.
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Tags: balance, Career, child, chores, clean, cooking, day care, dinner, division of labour, Feminism, feminist, home, idea, lawyer, marriage, relationships, share, simple, tips, wit
Beyond Beeton is a post-modern guide to household management inspired by Mrs Beeton’s 1861 Book of Household Management.
lovely to hear some sensible relationship management stuff there! Go sister! And if it helps - I worked out with my bloke early on that we had very different ideas of what 'clean' meant ... and decided to get a cleaner right form the beginning. We each paid half and ironically, I cleaned other people's houses while I was a student to afford my half of the cost of our cleaner. Madness? Not really, it established early that I don't clean up after him and we're both responsible for the house. We don't have an equal share either, but we do have an arrangement that has worked for 19 years and still keeps us happy.
Great advice Rachel!
Like Jen we have worked out what works. When I am busy my sweetie pie pitches in extra. When he is busy I pitch in extra.
I have to admit that I am Miss Messy and he is Mr. Clean. We have learned to work that out. If I make a mess and don't clean it up right away he won't complain because he knows I will. And I do because I know he likes things to be orderly. Besides I do know his system is best.
When it comes to clean he does not live up to my standards by any means. But I can live with a lick and a promise.
Bottom-line we really care for each other and support each others needs and wants.
Sheila
Sheila Atwood’s last blog post..Newbie Commandments-Find A Partner
Thanks Sheila, good to see that you and Jen have both got things sorted.
Like you, my husband and I have different attitudes. He is Mr Anal-Retentive-Crazy-Tidy and I'm Mrs Clean. I get great joy out of scrubbing taps with toothbrushes but then I'm a bit odd. I used to be as tidy as he is but then I relaxed a bit. Now I can leave things around for a while but will tidy until everything is lined up perfectly (when I feel like it). Whereas he will whisk things away *immediately* if they're lying around.
So he goes for gold and removes everything and I watch my back and tidy as I go to prevent my things being put wherever he feels like it. I have to say though, he really is rather good and 9/10 nights he'll have the kitchen tidy *before* we sit down to eat.
Great post. I just found your blog and am loving it -- just the thought provoking ideas this bored housewife needs!
My hubby and I choose to have a parent-at-home with the kiddies, but have taken turns with that role. When my partner was at-home, his job included most (ok, nearly all) of the housework, and same for me when I'm at-home. It makes for a nice work-family balance and also has improved about marriage because we both "get" where the other person is coming from . . . yeah, we now both know it is way easier to be the working parent. I think that is the piece of your 1950s dream thats missing; back then women worked hard in the home, but got no recognition and their partners didn't know (or care) what they did all day, that would suck.
Thanks again for the blog. Keep it comin'
Thanks Jan,
you may well be right about parenting being under-appreciated. I'm soon to find out for myself - I'm pregnant with our first child. I'm hoping we can continue a good, workable balance once our son comes along (although I do expect a few rude shocks along the way).