As soon as you walk into one your heart sinks and you become a grumpy trolley shuffler, unless you're one of those crazy basket people that goes to the supermarket at 6am after a brisk jog (in which case you should go away and eat a carrot now and leave us all alone), or you're 2 years old, in which case it is your god given right to chuck a giant tantrum.

photo credit: jumer

The traffic inside most supermarkets is just as bad as roads in any modern city.  The same women who can't manage to reverse without an oops or two are let loose here on far more dangerous vehicles without a licence.

You'll find those horrid perky athletic types in the supermarket too - jogging on the spot while contemplating whether they want 5 packets of lean cuisine spaghetti low-fat extra-goo or the smooshed up packets of tofu burgers with added tar that are on special this week.

There's always at least one newlywed couple - arms around each other, romantically deciding whether they should have a bright yellow packet of tacos or frozen lasagne for dinner tonight.

The aisles are set up like one of those awful hedge mazes that landscape architects think are "charming" and "quaint" but there is nothing at all quaint about an entire aisle of noodles served with varying kinds of sludge in styrofoam cups.  This aisle is a particularly dangerous one and must be avoided at all costs, lest you accidentally tarnish your ears with the existential rubbish that can only be emitted from first year arts students.

When you run away to safer ground you find yourself surrounded by last year's apples, floury and tasteless. Or maybe they're the potatoes? It is hard to tell.

photo credit: Lab2112

A fact about supermarkets that you should know:

• 'Fresh' fruit and vegetables on supermarket shelves can actually be around a year old when you buy them. The Sydney Morning Herald bought apples from Australia's major supermarkets and sent them to the Sydney Postharvest Laboratory for testing.  The tests revealed that the apples were up to ten months old.

Despite common misconception, apples are not grown year round in Australia.  In order to meet the year-round demand, supermarkets purchase apples from growers during the short season and then keep them in cold storage.  While the cool temperatures can help the apples last longer, it has a negative effect on the quality and flavour of the apple.

So what can you do if you want to eat produce that is actually fresh, full of flavour and nutrients?

photo credit: tanguero (BLOCK, rinse, repeat)

The answer is simple.  You need to embrace the slow food movement and buy nearly everything from organic happylands where everyone wears hemp, talks about ecosystems and sustainability and smiles a lot.

The hippies have got it right.  The birds sing and frolic as you stroll along at farmers markets or at those wonderful greengrocers that actually source fresh produce.  I promise you will taste the difference.  Nobody will smack you in the shins with a trolley.  You will be able to identify everything on the stands and if you can't, a friendly person over the age of 12 will be able to explain it to you.

So how much extra should you pay for fresh?  Almost nothing at all.   Sure, the prices look more per kilo but somehow my basket, laden with fresh goodies, costs less than the equivalent from the supermarket.

photo credit: Indiana shutterbug

Fresh lasts longer too, so you won't need to resort to stringy lettuce or frozen peas at the end of the week.  Is it any wonder that most kids don't like vegies?  Get them to choose the fresh veg from the stands and see what happens next.  You can thank me later.

If you can find a quality butcher, fishmonger, greengrocer or farmers market and wholefoods store you will come out ahead financially and have the knowledge that you're supporting your community, your own health and the environment too.

How can neon lights and plastic wrapped in more plastic compete with that?

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For 20-30somethings in Perth it's an after-work home-handyman renovation-in-progress on a 3 by 1 with a timber deck extension, lots of shiny stainless steel (or is it brushed this season?), a couple of feature walls and a hundred sparkly down-lights burning through the ceiling.

You get extra points if you have an extreme mortgage and a massive commute.

photo credit: sgatto

This is why I never have anything to talk about at barbecues. My bathroom looks the same as it did two years ago, except perhaps the grout is coming away a bit more. We don't have an oiled timber deck. Our house is not swathed in stainless steel. Hell we don't even have children and we only have one car.

Worst of all, there's nary a feature wall to be found. That's almost enough to get you completely evicted from generation X or Y or whatever it is these days.

So why is it that in this land of opportunity and freedom and expression and wonderfulness we have become a single-minded generation obsessed with backyard banality and reckless renovation?

It is obvious really.

The only place ever open in Perth is Bunnings.

Cosmopolita-what?

Despite the new legislation which was sold as a scheme to make Perth a mini-Melbourne, vibrant and full of lovely little places to have a drink, the reality is that it is rather difficult to drink or shop after work anywhere satisfactory. Unless of course you like socket sets, designer tap fittings and nondescript monstrosities where every man and his dog goes to get completely shitfaced.

photo credit: wine and painting color swathiness

In my very own area a local restaurateur proposed to open a small bar down the road in what is now a derelict run down sort of place. The council naturally rejected the application on the grounds of insufficient parking.

Plainly the local councils have banded together (except, to some degree, the city of Perth itself) in order to maintain the status quo in Perth of Sunday morning hammer shopping and driving absolutely bloody everywhere while drunk.

So what is there left to do?

Grab a beer or 40, paint the spare room antique-off-white accented with lemon and drive to your mate's place to watch the footie on the new plasma installed on his deck. If there's a break in the game just complain about debt and repeat ad infinitum.

You'll fit right in.

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