In the good old days, life was better. Men worked and women stayed home, kept the house, looked after the kids and wore frilly aprons over pretty dresses.
Everyone knew their place and life was simple and modern issues of career vs career and whose turn it is to race from work early to pick the kids up from day care were non-existent. Something like that anyway.
Oh no! Here comes feminism!
Along came feminism and we fought to get away from the sink and into the classroom and boardroom. We did such an awesome job at proving women can and should do anything (more like everything) you could say the choice has almost disappeared in the opposite direction.
If we accept the reality that for many modern relationships, two incomes are required and desired, life becomes a bit tricky. Particularly when you consider there is often little or no functional difference between partners in income and the level of commitment to career (and education).
- So who picks up the kids from day-care when you're both slaving in the office at 7pm in the pursuit for a corner office with a view?
- Who takes the bin out before going to the gym before work?
- Who washes the floor while muttering into a dictaphone on a Sunday afternoon?
The division of labour is all messed up - and with that comes serious risk of conflict of a relationship-killing kind.
People have been harping on about equality for quite a while now. If large corporates and the government can't get it right in the boardroom, what chance have we got in the home, where relationships are under even more pressure?
The Seesaw theory
Now this may well be unpopular, but my view of equality in the home does not involve an equal division of labour.
You can waste a lot of time thinking (often out loud, usually brought up at a completely unrelated moment) that cooking dinner is harder than putting the dishes away. It doesn't matter. It may well be. Arguing about equality achieves absolutely stuff all.
The reality is that in a successful partnership, sometimes one partner will do more. Sometimes the other partner does more. It balances out.
photo credit: bug138
Think of it like a seesaw, if you each push up and down, you're both on the seesaw and sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down. It takes a damn lot of effort to hold the seesaw at even height without one or both falling off.
Could it work?
The way it works in my relationship, and, I suggest might work in yours. Start by working out expectations:
- What does clean mean to each of you?
- What constitutes a weeknight dinner?
Sort out a friendly middle ground. Then each do what you're good at/don't hate too much and outsource whatever is left over.
If you approach it with an open mind it is not that hard to manage. I promise. Be flexible and pick up the slack when the other person has a crazy deadline or is sick or is just sick of it.
If you've got a good partner they'll do the same for you and keep you both on the seesaw.
For more tips for a great relationship, take a look at The Secret Ingredient for a Better Marriage at Zen Habits. It is written by Corey Allen of Simple Marriage.
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photo credit: lille abe - annoyed by the pro account
At 81 years of age, my grandmother still cleans her kitchen floor every day with a rag, on her hands and knees.
She tells me that by scrubbing it by hand she gets a better clean than she would get with a mop. I don't deny this is a fact.
My grandmother has a sparkling clean kitchen floor.
Yesterday, however, she asked if I could recommend a mop. At 81 my grandmother has realised that sometimes near enough IS good enough.I think this is a pretty significant thing. Some of us have difficulty doing anything at all at less than 100%. This type of personality often finds themselves working in the law or in the medical field and hopelessly overcommitted.
Everything needs to be better, neater, more efficient, faster. We need to be high-achieving, career-driven, family-focussed, well-presented, socially-conscious, environmentally-friendly and more besides. Something has to give. And it may as well be the housework.
At this point in my life I have more money than time, but not enough of either. Personally, I'd rather clean the house myself and have more money left over for shoes and pretty handbags. My sister and her boyfriend however are quite happy to pay a lovely man to come and clean for them.
Now this is my cheat-list. As reluctant as I am to share, these are the tools and ways my house stays clean.
- My husband does not sabotage my efforts to keep the house clean. More than that (and I know this is shocking) he contributes. A lot. No, the division of labour is not equal. Right now he is doing a lot more than I am because I'm still not 100% mobile. At other times I do more. I call it the see-saw of division of labour and I am convinced it is the only way to maintain sanity. I'll write more on this later.
- Kill the clutter. I have a notorious aversion to 'stuff'. I just don't get it. Why waste money on things you need to dust when you could buy handbags instead? Make your life easier and kill the kitch. If you really must have it, accept that dusting will take you longer. Everything has an opportunity cost - balance it in your favour.
- Buy a quality vacuum. Back in the olden days when I worked part-time selling electrical appliances to get me through law-school, people would constantly say "I hate vacuuming" and then proceed to buy the heaviest, most cumbersome and cheapest vacuum, garanteed to make the task more horrifically awful and time-consuming than it needs to be. We bought a Dyson barrel thingamybob 5 years ago. It does the job with a minimum of fuss and is light enough for me to drag up the stairs. Yes it was more expensive than a Sanyo but it does a better job and I barely remember how much the difference in price was now.
- Clean on a regular basis...daily. This is the one thing that can really make the biggest difference. A quick swipe of the shower screen and tiles when you get out of the shower will save you a lot of scrubbing later. I'm personally fond of Enjo but you can use any reasonable quality cloth/squeegee to clean and dry the bathroom when you're done. Likewise give the kitchen a quick clean and clean up dishes after every meal or while you're waiting for something to cook and you'll barely ever have to do a deep clean.
- Protect your clothes with quality laundry appliances. It wasn't that long ago that we were washing things twice due to my husband's horribly inefficient old washing machine. One cycle in the beast took about 50million years and then we'd often have to run it through all over again. Frustrating, time-consuming and terrible for the environment. We replaced the washer with a front-loading Asko with a great delay start feature. This is my best friend. It washes gently and beautifully and I never have to run it twice. Clothes and powder goes in at night, the machine starts (as near as damnit to silently) while we sleep and finishes first thing in the morning in time for my husband to hang clothes out or transfer to the dryer. I hate hanging clothes on the line and am grateful for any machine that makes it convenient for my husband to do it for me.
- Steam it up. If you're living in a pinstriped prison (or worse, you're also married to someone living in a pinstriped prison) you probably have a hideous towering pile of ironing. I do. I have a lovely Laura Star steam station that pumps out lots of lovely steam and irons like a dream in double quick time. It can also steam suits (while on the hanger) to keep them looking fresh in between dry-cleans and can iron on silk, lace and embroidery. Yes, more expensive than a regular iron but way more efficient.
- If you're renovating or building a new house like everyone else in the known universe, pay attention to floor coverings, wall tiles and try to avoid fussy detailing. Smooth clean lines are easier to maintain and keep clean. A little bit of scrimping may cost you big time later when you need to replace it all again. Buy cheap, buy twice. That doesn't mean avoid a bargain - just work out a good balance based on your budget and expected replacement time-frame.
- Outsmart the oven. If you don't have a self-cleaning pyrolytic oven these are my tips to keep your oven clean. I'm allergic to oven cleaning chemicals and I've never used them. When you're baking, move the large grill tray from the top of the oven to the bottom. That way any drips go on the tray, which, with any luck is either oven safe or easy to clean. Wipe up any spills on the walls or door of the oven with a damp cloth when the oven is still slightly warm. While you're at it, wipe out the exhaust fan (make sure you get one that is externally vented) or better yet, choose an exhaust fan with dishwasher safe filters.
My house is far from spotless but it is always reasonably clean. And that is good enough for me.
I'd love to hear your tips or questions, so please post a comment.
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photo credit: The Modern Homemaker
Unless you get untied from the sink so that you can trot off in a wool suit to your box on the terrace for every daylight hour and more besides, after which you will glamorously engage in up-to-the-minute witty banter with 40 of your nearest and dearest colleagues who you are dining with again.
You then of course go home, ring your mother and actually listen to what she says, clean the toilet, put the bin out (you're a liberated woman after all), read the paper and a few novels (see the witty banter point above), bake something nice to take to work tomorrow and save at least 15 children from starvation or tractor accidents or something, all while looking hopelessly alluring.
If you're managing all that and vodka isn't a part of your daily routine then I hate you and there is nothing for you here.
Perhaps feminism should go away and focus on the serious stuff, like stopping honour killing and human trafficking and schoolgirls wearing their boyfriends' trackpants. I don't want to be "empowered" to do anything else!
photo credit: Little Sweetie
One of my guilty indulgences is to imagine that I'm a 1950's housewife and I don't need to juggle at all - I would just need to raise perfect kids and keep a spotless house while wearing lovely sticky-outy poofy skirts with poodles on them.
Unfortunately I'm not that great at housekeeping really and if the behaviour of our cats is any indication I'd be a pretty awful parent. I think I could handle the poodles though.
So what has feminism done for me? It has allowed me to do a whole multitude of things all at once and justify being pretty ordinary at all of them.
I have a life full of chaos, contrast and craziness and I wouldn't have it any other way.
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